Dear Charlie,
I'm going to miss you in Florida politics. Well, eventually. When you really do leave for good, I'll be the first one burying my head in a hankie. Nobody -- not even the dour Bill McCollum -- has provided me with more column fodder. In the meantime, Charlie, as Gov.-elect Rick Scott takes his oath to replace you, I offer this little bit of parting advice:
1. Better not pop into RPOF HQ looking for a warm handshake and a farewell glass of bubbly. They're still pretty angry over there. You took off without leaving money on the nightstand.
2. Some Florida officeholders couldn't lead a starving dog to a steak dinner. But talent for leadership was never your problem, Charlie. Applying yourself to the job du jour -- flightiness -- was. Searching for cameras instead of answers was. Incessantly looking over the fence into the next meadow was. Next job you get, first do that one well, look for something you like better later.
3. Loyalty is admirable, but in the end, yours toward Jim Greer, the friend you appointed party boss, fell into that you-did-a-heckuva-job-Brownie category. Not a smart way to go. Nothing calls your judgment into question quite like looking the other way while a bad egg skims off the top of the party coffers. Next time one of your pals screws up figuratively, let alone criminally -- and threatens to take you down with him -- cut the chord, tan guy. Don't wait for the party to clean him up for you.
4. Oh, that's right, you don't have a party. Which brings me to your ridiculous "No Labels" affectation. Stop wandering around in post-Apocolyptic Charlieland. Join the Democrats, where you belong. Suck it up and admit it -- "Hi, my name is Charlie Crist and I'm a Democrat." If you're waiting to see which way the wind blows this time, you're out of luck. There is no wind. The Republican tent is closed to you.
5. Be careful who you hug. Dancing cheek to cheek with the enemy, as you know, wins you a nasty label -- oh-oh, there's that word again. The Obama hug was the beginning of the end for you. It called into question the threads of GOP political psychology. So did your remark to host David Gregory on "Meet the Press" in February, when Gregory asked you if the Republican Party had national leaders: "I think there is a national leader, his name is President Obama." Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. If Marco Rubio didn't send you a bouquet of roses for that gaffe, the man has no gratitude.
6. As "the people's governor," you should have figured out which people you could believe and which were blowing smoke. Putting your faith in the teachers' union? Bad move. Vetoing SB 6 cheesed off the GOP and drove a stake through the heart of your Senate hopes. Sure, Florida teachers still love you, but next time remember their students can't vote no matter how fervently they're indoctrinated in the classroom. And the parents of their students, in full survival mode, have real Florida issues roiling their lives. They didn't cast their vote based on SB 6 and how teachers are paid.
7. You don't want to give "Chain Gang Charlie" a whole new and sinister meaning. Better prepare for tougher questions. Soon as you light somewhere, you'll be asked things -- the kind of things that send your stomach into your throat, not only about Jim Greer, but about Ponzi schemer and good pal Scott Rothstein. How about it, Charlie, did you -- as former Miami Mayor Maurice Ferre asserts -- trade judicial nominations for large contributions from Rothstein's law firm? The mounting evidence is mighty suspicious.
8. Sign up for the No Worker Left Behind program at your local community college. You should love it, it's paid for with federal stimulus money. Besides, you need job retraining. You're 54 years old, you've never held a job in the private sector and the demands of the big, wide, cruel world out there -- if you actually do choose to get involved in it -- are going to knock you for a loop.
So, what do I call you, Charlie, a hero or a zero? In your honor, this letter wears no labels.
Count on me to stay in touch.
Happy trails, cowboy,
Nancy
Reach Nancy Smith at nancybutlersmith@yahoo.com or at (850) 727-0859.
