Let's talk about Omar Mateen's wife.
I can't help myself. I have to. I just saw the cover of last Wednesday's New York Post: Big photo of Noor Salman, Mateen's wife, with the headline, “She could have saved them all: Killer’s wife knew — but did nothing.”
Whew, thank God we found a woman to blame.
For a minute there, I thought we might have to hang 49 heinous murders on the man of the house.
Seriously, does anybody in the FBI understand what life is like for women who live with violent, abusive husbands -- women who endure repetitive victimization? Because the more I read about Noor Salman, the more I realize she fits the mold perfectly. The only difference between her and Mateen's first wife is, she didn't get out early.
Noor Salman is a victim, but few people seem to see it. In the last century the word "victim" implied innocence and virtue. No longer. This 21st Century victor-oriented culture disparages the victim, blames the victim, ostracizes, isolates and condemns. And I admit, I have a problem with that.
We don't have enough information yet to know whether Salman played any role in the tragic violence of June 12 -- it will be up to a grand jury to unravel that. But we know Omar Mateen has been accused of domestic violence in the past.
Just the fact that Mateen, with a wife and child, would take off on weekends for Orlando to hang out in a nightclub -- for whatever reason -- leaving Salman at home to "understand" ... He didn't sneak. He actually told her where he was going and sometimes made her go along, too.
Sometimes I catch little snippets on a news segment from Orlando -- an analyst alluding to the fantasy that being married to a violent, abusive man automatically makes you an accessory to his violence. That's absurd.
This rush to scapegoat a potential domestic violence victim is upsetting to me, frankly, and it reveals our society's shallow understanding of the complex dynamics of abuse.
The common thread that runs through all the domestic violence victims I've ever known is the loss of any sense of free will.
Based on what’s been revealed so far about Mateen and his wives, the two women were rigorously monitored and physically intimidated. Sustained abuse, I'm told, often pushes victims past the point of feeling they deserve to not be abused.
I think mass shootings are the act of an evil and deranged mind. Now try to imagine living with that person. Did you ever hear the phrase, "go along to get along?"
Add to Noor Salman's abuse the fact that she grew up in an Arab culture, one that embeds in female children a sense of "place." And that place will always be defined by a man -- by her father or husband.
The Arab world is tough on women. I know you know that. But I've seen it firsthand. I lived for a time during the 1960s in Morocco. I saw what the culture expected of women. I had a married friend there, Karima Baka, who told me every day in little ways what her married life was like. Once I asked her if she was happy; she looked at me like I was crazy.
"What does that matter?" she asked me. "I've never considered that. I serve my husband and care for our children. He and his family give me all the direction and entertainment I need."
To the best of my knowledge, Karima's husband never abused her physically. In fact, by Tangier standards, he was a good husband and provider. But I can tell you, there was no backtalk in her relationship with her husband, not even the jovial kind, no spontaneity on her own whim. Joy was a commodity only when he allowed it. It was a subtle thing, but this man took complete control of Karima and she wouldn't have it any other way because that's her lot in life.
I know Noor grew up in America and only her parents are Palestinian. But she's young, she's had little time to assimilate Western culture. I'm not saying she should get a pass. Facing a grand jury is the best way for us to get our questions about her answered. I'm just hoping for a little understanding.
Noor Salman isn't like you or me.
Unless she helped Mateen plan the attack at Pulse, unless he was giving her a casual blow-by-blow description of what was happening inside the nightclub during the deadly massacre -- as if she was a part of it -- I'm uncomfortable seeing her go to prison over this.
Here's what we do know and where we should be focusing the prevention:
Research shows a striking connection between domestic or family violence and mass shootings.
FBI data tell us in 57 percent of shootings of more than four people between 2008 and 2012, the shooter killed a current or former spouse or intimate partner or other family member; 16 percent of the time, the shooter had a prior domestic violence charge. We also need to recognize that relationship violence, with more than 1.3 million victims annually, causes more harm, and more terror, than mass shootings.
Sure, it's possible Noor Salman was a voluntary accomplice to a senseless terrorist attack. But instead of scapegoating domestic violence victims like her, wouldn't we be better served recognizing domestic violence can predict a future of greater acts of violence?
We don't have enough money to pay for all of the mental health issues out there. But focusing on this one -- domestic violence, something we've seen with our own eyes poses so much risk -- might help us spot the red flags of escalating aggression.
In the meantime, let's blame the abusers when they initiate a deadly action, not the people who live under their black cloud.
Reach Nancy Smith at nsmith@sunshinestatenews.com or at 228-282-2423. Twitter: @NancyLBSmith
